hOW TO dEStroY A bAGLESS sTiCK sHArK vACcUMe
Ordering a vaccume vaccum vacumn vacume vaccuum vacuum cleaner from TV and then destroying it.




The first thing the instructions warn against is that you're not supposed to suck up cigarette stubs with the Stick Shark. Guess what I'm going to vacuum up with it?


So I attached the hose and fired up the Stick Shark. The vaccuum does indeed suck up the cigarette stubs, but they occasionally go crosswise on the hose inlet and are held in place by the remarkably potent suction of this vacum, so you have to flick them with your finger so they go up the hose. I haven't tried sucking them up with the floor brush yet. All humor aside, I believe the admonishment is there to be sure you don't accidentally vacuum up lighted cigarettes or other burning material from a spilled ashtray. The butts themselves pose no threat to the Stick Shark if they aren't burning.

Next is a warning that you aren't supposed to vacuum up anything wet. So I take the Stick Shark to the bathroom, look around for something to vacuum, and let it do its magic...


Dum de dum dum... vaccuumnning the toilet... dum dee dum dummm...*

On the infomercial, the president of Euro-Pro, Mark Rosen, demonstrates the Bagless Stick Shark to Maddy Press, the program's female co-host. He starts off by firing up the studly little vacume and sucking up rows of big metal bolts, map pins, M&Ms, metallic party confetti, and some powdery white material off a table. The vacuum sucks everything up, and it really does work in real life. I sucked up hard candy, sharp metal screws, metal nuts, transistors, map pins, pennies, button-cell batteries, rubber bands, and other "unmentionables" that would destroy any ordinary vaccum, and this cleaner just gobbled them up like it was its favorite meal.

Later, they set up a little demonstration. They had a big upright vaccum and the Stick Shark configured as a cyclonic upright, facing a substantial length of colored ribbon. The Stick Shark gobbled up the whole ribbon and proudly displayed its "trophy" in its clear tank, while the upright vacuum took up about two feet of it, then started squealing and burning. "Oh oh Maddy, what's happening!! We'd better have a look!" says Mark, as he reaches down and finally turns off the squealing vacuum. And sure enough they flipped the now-dead cleaner over and the ribbon was entangled in its beater brush assembly, which caused the rubber vacuum belt to start burning against the rotating motor shaft. Mark even waves his hand around as if to try and disperse the "burning vacuum belt" odor.
But nobody goes around vacuuming up 20 feet lengths of ribbon, do they?




Time for the first test they didn't want you to see on television.
The Bagless Stick Shark pitted against a Roll of Toilet Paper:



As you can see, the Stick Shark failed miserably. The toilet paper got all bunched up inside between the filter and the dirt cup where the vacuumed up stuff first enters the cup. It took a couple of minutes of careful jiggling to remove the cup without breaking my new vacuum.




Time for the second test they won't show you on TV.
Is it live or is it Memorex?
Is it live, or is it Memorex?

Is it live or is it Memorex? Is it live or is it Memorex?
A loop of tape is pulled out to give the little vacuum something to suckle on.


Is it live or is it Memorex? Is it live or is it Memorex?
Boy, look at it go! The Stick Shark is HUNGRY!!!


Is it live or is it Memorex? Is it live or is it Memorex?
All that's left of "Christmas Mix '86" is a corpse. The Stick Shark
quite handily disembowelled it and filled its tummy with yummy tape.
That's one less "holiday mix" tape to worry about accidentally playing on the 4th of July.





One of the main themes of this infomercial was demonstrating how the Bagless Stick Shark easily deals with hard & sharp objects that would destroy a regular bagged vacuum cleaner. They repeatedly demonstrate the machine sucking up large bolts, sharp map pins, sharp metal screws, sharp fragments of wood, and other "unmentionables". But can it really suck up broken glass without destroying itself? Let's find out...

Here's yet another test they didn't show you on television: the Stick Shark vs. Pile of Christmas Bulbs.
light bulb test
The studly little vacume faces off with dangerous light bulbs.


light bulb test light bulb test
Oh no! The Christmas bulbs got stuck in the hose! Time to make a "slight alteration" to them.


light bulb test light bulb test
Now the light bulbs are going up. You can even see them in the "shark tank".


light bulb test
Finally, a clean rug. Not a bulb to be found, except in the tank of the Stick Shark!!
Merry Christmess!





Ok, so you've seen the Stick Shark pick up a couple of used cigarettes off the rug. But will it empty a big ashtray overflowing with them? Let's put it to the test.

One more test they didn't show you on TV: the Stick Shark vs. Large Pile of Stinky Cigarette Stubs.
Pee you
The Stick Shark easily gobbles up the ashtray full of stinky cigerettes and all of the ashes, but they will soon clog up your vacuum's filter. The sound made by the vacuum changed when I started sucking up all the fine ashes as the filter was being clogged by them. The last couple of butts didn't even make it all the way into the Shark's tank, but fell out when I opened the vacuum afterwards. (They would have all gone up had I vacuumed them first and then went for the ashes). None of the ashes fell out though; they were all contained inside the tank and on the filter cloth.
A filter clogged with cigarette or fireplace ashes is an easy fix though: empty the cup and then wash the cup & filter with warm soapy water, then allow to dry completely before replacing them in the vacuum cleaner.

After the cigarette butt test above, I washed the filter, dried it partially with paper towels, and set it on top of my computer monitor - and it was fully dry and ready to use again in just over an hour. This can be sped up even more if you start the vacuum with no cup or filter in place, and press the still slightly damp filter against the vents on the side of the vacuum and let the warm air from the motor do the work. Be sure you've dried the filter out by blotting with paper towels or toilet paper as well as you can before you try this stunt.







THE FINAL TEST YOU WON'T SEE ON TV:
CAN THE STICK SHARK SUCK ITSELF UP?

Oh oh!!
Well, there's your answer. When aimed at itself, the Stick Shark greedily consumes itself while the hose writhes like a snake. The Stick Shark goes up itself with a satisfiying "pttthhhumpp!!" just like it does on TV when they suck up big bolts with it. Notice how the space-time continuum around the Shark is beginning to develop a wavy distortion around it, finally forming a complete subspace "bubble" or "warp" as it gets pulled farther out of space-time. The Stick Shark eventually sucked itself into an artificial quantum singularity, finishing with a bright white flash of energy and a loud bang like an M1000 blowing up a porta-potty, leaving only a small burn on the rug as the only evidence I once had a vacuum.

Nothing a little club soda won't take care of.










Comments? Questions? Then E-mail me.






* WARNING: Never try to suck up any kind of liquid, from the toilet bole or otherwise!!!
This demo was done with a decorative shitbowl (used as a planter) with no water in it.